mudslide

I found the devil. he made a home, cooked a meal, and turned on the tv. I gave him so much space there was no reason to hide amongst the details. he became the glaringly obvious spelling error I had marked as correct. I erased the red that marked his flag, then kept on as if he was no longer there.

I finally noticed him while I was folding my dirty laundry. he escaped from my relationships and snuck into my work. I wonder where else he’s hiding.

desperate, creative, endless

wait,

have I tried looking at this differently? have I tried changing my mind? have I tried being okay with being uncomfortable? have I tried turning off the lights and closing my eyes? have I tried packing more socks and underwear? have I tried trying harder? have I tried burning out? have I tried accepting my fate?

flow is for water, and I am a rock. what’s on the other side of a mudslide? there is no punch line, i’m asking you for help.

I catch a glimpse of what grey could look like as I pass from black to white. I have been on hold with the void for so long, I think in the key of F. I understand the concept of ‘grit’ but have a few questions about ‘rest’.

pausing, holding, listening

wait,

have I tried getting up and going and never coming back? have I tried throwing things at the wall and turning around quickly before I can see if they stick? have I tried leaving my phone on airplane mode? have I tried clicking my heels three times? have I tried running so far ahead I end up last?

in the present tense I present to you, tension. I search for flights going to the ‘middle ground’. like a state line it’s neither here nor there - it’s both and neither. well, at least i’m on my way.